I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
It's the eternal vodka... it never seems to go away
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
