theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Threw up on break at work. That brings our collective tally to 9 times. We can never drink like that on a monday again
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
