I just want you to know that me val and amanda are drinking on top of a hill lookig at the chicago skyline drinking icehouse and we just peed in public.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
It's not that I'm in love with her, so much as I would love to be her lesbian experience.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
Would it be wildly inappropriate for me to tailgate a Jonas brothers concert?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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