I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
I may or may not go. send a pic of a nipple so I know how much fun you're having
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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