Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
I miss the good ol days when id just come home from school and thered be a costco size box of condoms on my bed.
my parents really loved me back then.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I'm just going to take a nap and hope I wake up more attractive.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Randomize
