sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
