my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
It probably would have happened but I just can't picture myself losing my virginity while laying on top of his Quiksilver duvet set.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
We bird danced in front of the bird cages for 20 minutes. I think it was our way of being like fuck you guys you're in a cage and we're on summer break.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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