so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
He said i looked like a shooting star sprawled out on the floor while i puked and i kept blaming "senor cuervo" for doing me dirty.
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
im actually so stoned and hungover i feel like a bag of jello stuffed into a human shape
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
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