my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I know it sounds all cute and shit that I wanted him to be with me last night, but it's not cute. I just wanted to fuck.
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
We were watchin sharknado and we hooked up while I had the Donald Trump shirt on. She said she felt like he was staring at her
They had an Olympic theme party at her work yesterday. She brought home her fake gold medal and hung it on my cock after she rode me.
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
