my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I just tried to pee in a pad to see if it was like a diaper. it's not.
You threw a bottle at the bartender and then stole his tip jar. However, you were quickly KO'd by the bartender. Solid right hook.
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
Seeing your boyfriend, side piece, and great white buffalo, all in one night? Its a sign right?
Proceed with caution.
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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