I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
If I had a vagina, my apartment would have been the Atlantic
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I want to fling myself into the sun
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
I will find, mount, and marry that person.
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
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