quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
So the doctor told me that I am starting to showing the early signs of liver cirrhosis. Thank you Jack Daniels for making the first 26 years of my life awesome.
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
A sultry night of tacos and sex sounds nice. Should I bring home milk?
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