textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
I have full custody of my vagina however you are granted visiting hours
How am I feeling this morning? Well, besides the fact that my vagina looks like a pair of giraffe's lips and I'm walking like an over-confident cowgirl, I'm fantastic. Thanks for your concern.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
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