I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.
I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
Shit facedness and cuddling are what you have to look forward to this evening.
Randomize
