If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
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