make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
he told me I talked like a deaf person
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
