I faked an abortion last night.
Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
DOES ANYONE KNOW THE NINJA TURTLES
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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