I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
got some bad news about ur virginity. she didnt make it thru the night
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
when im done with her im going to need you to carry me on your shoulders as i poses victoriously for all those who were within earshot
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Was it cause you feel bad for the ridiculousness my vagina goes through because same
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I asked him to have birthday sex with me via xbox live
Randomize
