She is totes cute on her twitter. Which totally sounds like a euphemism for coot.
I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
okay so using the row boat as a giant snow sled probably wasn't the best idea.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
He shattered his pelvis base jumping so his dicks out of commission for 4 months. Your up, second string.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Randomize
