I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
Did you leave your blow razor here? I need it for crafts.
It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
Funny you say that, I just sold my stripper pole to my mom tonight...
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
