Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
i am pregamming alone in my car. scale of 1-10 how alcoholic is that
im pretty sure thats an 11
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
So you're mad that you saw a penis at a swinger's party? That's rational
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
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