I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
it's like my freshman wet dream come true
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
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