I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
