It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
as he was bent over the toilet, he turned to me and said "barbarian kyle is much stronger than regular kyle" and then went right back to puking.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
apparently they stopped looking at spit swabs under the microscope in bio ever since they found a sperm cell in one students sample
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
