she woke up with a sticky ear
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
