I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide
...But it's not like we would be the first people to pay for an abortion with student loans and cell phone rebates.
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix
I just asked her to come in through the window, this pretty much solidifies the whole fuck-buddy thing...
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Randomize
