The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?
You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.
I wish there were wingman of the year awards.
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
btw, her name was actually Alixx. in retrospect, it was pretty much a gimme
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
