Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Last time i carry you out of a forest
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
