I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
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Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
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Who knows. I'd probably only get a makeout with an OTPHJ from her so the return on sexual investment from her isn't looking that great.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
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