i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Also you think METH is on the same level of wanting to see the movie cats? We’re gonna unpack that later
Randomize
