I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Randomize
