Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Less than a month to graduation and I'm still blacking out on the reg tonguing down the closest breathing organism preferably with a penis but I'm flexible, and still havent figured out how to be functional on Fridays. WHY don't they teach us valuable shit at this institution!?
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
