Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Also, beer. Big fan.
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He stood up through the sunroof yelling "CHOCOLATE MILK BITCHESSSS!!!! YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT NOW!!!" the sad part is he wasn't even drunk yet. I worry about him sometimes.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
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