Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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