so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
she told me i tasted like america
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down
ppsyche im wasted where are you
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
Randomize
