Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
So i've def seen the girl running for student body VP getting fingered in a bar.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
That girl gave me her number because you were arrested. I am so proud of you dude.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
