Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
Randomize
