Dude my mom stole all your condoms
being pregnant is like rehab
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
We hooked up in his car and afterwards he cried. I think I need to find a new hookup...
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
My feet surprised me
Who cares if he’s younger, he’s hung like a moose. Your vagina will never forgive you if you pass on that dick
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
