I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"
And sadly I did.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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