so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
Update: the condoms are expired and Canadians are NOT to be trusted!
When the state fair security guard came to yell at her for having outside food and drink she threatened to kick him if he tried to stop her and then she proceeded to chug the whole bottle.
classic
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
