This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
i wanna pet his head its so fluffy. were gonna open a petting zoo
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Randomize
