I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
I just saw him at the bookstore and all I could think about was him licking your ass
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
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Finding out he was uncircumcised by feeling his foreskin in my mouth was NOT ideal. New rule. Lights ALWAYS on.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
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Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Had a very good bday. Have the teeth marks and bruises to prove it
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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