drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
I've blown a few things in my day
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
OMG -- There are strippers in the bathroom crying because their power moves aren't good enough to win the competition
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Randomize
