I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
I just sneezed and it made my entire body ache. Hungover is an understatement
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
That's what every 12 year old basketball team needs; a drunk and hungover lady eating KD whilst cheering them on. Highlight of their lives.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
you know your booty call is really trying when he offers to pay the toll for the bridge you have to cross to get to his house
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
