I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
I'm laying in my house looking at chocolate pudding drip from the ceiling onto my partially erect penis... Yay for shrooms!
Did I seriously kick a door down last night... And if so when where and how hard, cause that shit I do not recall.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize
