So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
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