you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Too much dab too little lung dying šµšµšµ
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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