when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
You yelled This cop is arresting me for possession! Possession of MARIJUANA!!", everyone cheered, and you let him handcuff you and take you away.
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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