I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
if only i could text you this smell
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.
Wait. Someome brought slutcake?
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
Had the best sex Thursday night then Friday night I met his girlfriend. The worst thing is we became friends like she gave me her number.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
I want falafel more than sex right now. That's really saying something for me...
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
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