if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
I used to sleep with a guy on the USA rugby team... He stole my credit card and my Hitman DVD. I'm more upset about the Hitman DVD..
Randomize
