who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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