Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
Just don't eat pie out of the sink. It's a real blow to the self esteem.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
Yeah yeah, I don't care. I bought a super soaker, so lets please go attracting attention by spraying each other while wearing white tank tops?
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I’ve got a lot of questions but the first one has to be where you got the flame thrower.
Randomize
