Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I just need three more girls to complete my 'Freak-a-leak' bang list. Know any girls named Zahra, Shavon, or Daronda?
Dramatic love triangle! I guess mystery Asian and I will just have to fight it out for your love.
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
This is my gift to your gina
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
