Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Just passed a sign for an "adult food and fuel superstore". Wtf does that even mean?
im not sure but a few things come to mind which just makes me giggle
Guys should not giggle. Ever.
Dude, the women on the view have some valid arguments
You know how I know you're gay?
Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
Normally, it will inspire me to work. Today, it's inspiring me to masturbate.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
I've amended my previous statement: I'm not allowed to put in my two weeks till I ask out the waitress. Now I have motivation on two levels
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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