The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.
its 4:30 pm. In the mall. Just threw up into my hands. I love Vegas and Vegas loves me
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
Every part of me is in agreement...but mostly my vagina
hey dude my crackhead idol just taught me a great way to tie shoes
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Randomize
