i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
I want something that's relevant to him banging her right after I did. Like "runner-up"
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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