I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
We are two peas in an std pod
No. Do you know how much this carpet cost? If she comes over, you put down towels this time. i'm so not kidding.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
I have bruises everywhere an I broke the lamp. So ya I'd considerate rough sex.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
